October is bittersweet. It has always been my favourite month because of my birthday. I really love birthdays. Because, well, presents. Jim always jokes that I actually have a birth week. I like to milk it.
Then three years ago in early October I found out I was pregnant with my second baby. I lost the baby a few weeks later, four days after my 33rd birthday, due to it being a ruptured ectopic pregnancy.
Near enough a year ago, on the 18th October to be exact, I found out I was pregnant for the third time. It was such a mix of emotions – intense joy and relief clouded by sheer dread that history might repeat itself.
This year, despite most other areas of my life being utter chaos, there is an overriding sense of calm and contentment. Along with his sister, my boy is here – safe, well and thriving at three months old. A baby born after a loss is often referred to as a rainbow baby and he is definitely that.
In the UK, 9th-15th October is Baby Loss Awareness Week, ending with International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, when candles are lit in memory of babies lost in pregnancy, during and after birth. It’s good to raise awareness and get people talking about a difficult subject that affects so many.
I remember the baby we lost every single day. I will never forget that much-loved and wanted tiny being, that at almost eight weeks already had a strong heartbeat, a brain and even eyelids. A perfect little life form that just didn’t end up in the right place. It just wasn’t meant to be. But I’ll never forget.